changes

Many changes to come. Life altering changes.

First off, we are moving to Baton Rouge August 1st. Baton Rouge is one of my least favorite locations on earth but there are 3 perks:
1, the cost of living is cheap. Super cheap. I will save massive amounts of money every month.
2, my lover's family lives there. They are and have always been extremely supportive of us. I adore them, they adore me.
3, New Orleans is a hop skip and a jump away. I dig NOLA.

Why am I so intent on saving money? 
Come January I plan to leave the country. I will empty my bank accounts, buy a one way ticket to Bangkok, and live the life of a nomad for a year. Perhaps more than a year, perhaps less. Basically until the funds run out.
My agenda is wide open; my agenda is to toss it out the window. I hope to meet other backpackers along the way and decide from there. I'll pre-book a hostel or two, probably in Bangkok.
I see an Ashram or five in my future.
Thailand, Laos, Cambodia, India, Nepal, Vietnam-
As many as my money will allow for.
Of course I will be living, traveling, and eating on the cheap. Hostel to hostel. There are many things I hope to gain through solo travel. It is possible that I will take a job in one of these locations to bring in some extra money.
I have zero limitations on myself or this journey.

Truth is, working has sucked the life right out of me. I am typing this from a temp job at the National Whatever Association of Whatever. There is no way for me to grow as a human being in this environment, in an office, in front of the computer. I crave adventure, I long for freedom. I am desperate for self-confidence and inner peace.

And my lover?
It is selfish to leave her, though I have her full support. She will be entering an intensive nursing program around the time I leave. We will both be receiving an education. I will become a student of the world, she will be a student of nursing. Once our journeys come to an end it will be time start a family. When kiddos come into the picture everything changes and I will no longer be living for me.

This journey will be the last selfish thing I ever do. For one year, I will live for me. For one year, I'll stop imitating a life others want for me.

Lastly, I have not yet accepted Xanga's fate.
I absolutely cannot believe this place will cease to exist.

All my love.

edit: aww lookie there, I am on the front page. I'm going to miss that.

Xanga,

you've had my back for the past 10 years.
My turn.

More later, including contact information.

urge

The urge to quit my job, empty my bank account, buy a one way ticket to Thailand, and globe trot Southeast Asia for eight months is paralyzing me. I can't get work done. I am becoming obsessed with the idea.
Hostel to hostel, one bag, on the cheap, on the fly.
Not knowing where I'll wake up the next morning.
I worry the itch will never leave me. I don't have children yet. Once they come into the equation my opportunity will be gone.
I have ties here. Tied down.
How can I leave my lover? She's in nursing school, realizing her dream.
Can I realize mine too?
Isn't it selfish to run away?
Wasteful? 
That money could be used for my future and future family.

"One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching."
"If you want to fly, you have to give up the things that weigh you down."
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

what gives?

Three years of working in this building, three years of riding the subway.
I love public transportation; for a sociologist people watching can be quite interesting.
A couple of years ago a man passed me on the street. His clothes: khaki corduroy pants and a forest green button up shirt adorned with a messenger bag. His height: awkwardly towering over everyone. His hair: jet black, wavy, shoulder length. His body: lanky. His face: so very familiar.
Everything about him screamed Mr. C, high school English teacher.
I stopped dead in my tracks and looked over my shoulder as he walked away and went about his business. The similarities were stunning.
Truth is, I was head over heels in 'puppy' love with Mr. C.

There's no way this could be the same man. Right?
I walked a few more steps in the opposite direction and turned back to stare; he was gone in a flash.
I wondered if I would ever see him again.

It turns out I saw him all the time. Our morning commutes coincided with each other. And, every time I saw that handsome fellow, I was thrown off guard. One day I did some internet stalking only to find Mr. C was living in another state. That solved that!

Regardless, I started to see the man so often that it became necessary to do the decent, Southern thing, and smile. Say good morning. (although he sometimes wore headphones)
The experiment began.
The first few smiles threw him off guard, he didn't know how to take them. He seemed confused, perhaps? Then sometimes he would go out of his way to avoid me. Other times he would ignore me. Sometimes he would pretend to be preoccupied. Mostly he just looked constipated. Perhaps he was.

Let me tell you, xanga. Three whole years of this passed. Three whole years of smiling at this stranger. One time I even waved with a cheesy grin plastered to my face! Yeah, yeah. I'm sure I looked like a spaz.

Do you know how many times he smiled back?
Z-E-R-O

For a while I took it personally. It totally hurt my feelings. Then I just chuckled and pitied him.
Poor, poor, man. Miserable man. I can certainly understand having a shitty morning. Lord knows I have had my fair share of them. But good grief!

I was just hired at a new job and will not be commuting any longer. I saw him this morning and flashed my pearly whites, which he ignored, per usual. If I see him one last time I should really just stop and ask him- what gives?

truth tea?

sometimes your stuffs too hard to read
crimson sadness erupts
lime green bitterness seeps down my throat
I can actually see them, each emotion personified
don't you know that I,
I try not to feel this way sweet love?
but comrade,
you are perfect
possessing things I've always wanted
strength
family
children
oh god, the children
white picket fences
commitment
positivity
endurance.
society loves you, as do I
they'll eat you up, that delicious front
you are a Devil
you are a goof
a poster child indeed